.040 - nihon, mata rainen(till next year)...

I got back to the States on Saturday afternoon and the arrival was nothing short of shocking. For the last 5 1/2 months, I've been living in a society where "please", "thank you very much", and smiles (even though mostly fake) were abundant. But I got off the plane to be greeted by airport workers literally pushing us through the terminals (many of whom were Japanese and had never set foot on US soil before). And did we get a "Welcome to the USA!"? Nope. Just a "you're going too slow! Hurry up! Move faster!" But hey at least luggage baskets in baggage claim were free of charge....

Anyhow, enough of my culture shock rant. I'm sure it'll continue for a while. I'm actually finding it quite difficult to live here in the US right now. Again, I'm sure this phase will pass in a few weeks, but right now, I have a very strong desire to return to Tokyo. There were so many good memories there from this summer, so many opportunities awaiting me, plus my Japanese was actually starting to make sense :). I've never felt so strongly about returning to a place in my life. So much that I'm pretty sure I'm going back, God-willing, after I graduate.

As far as my experience in Japan goes, I feel I've grown just like every other person that goes overseas for extended period of time. For one, I think my confidence has shot up a lot. Just writing this is big step for me. For someone in the position I'm in with the amount of blessings I've received, I should be a lot stronger instead of always feeling like I'm behind. But through the crazy amount of different people I met, some meak, some crazy, some psychotic, and some out-of-this-world talented, I've learned a lot about who I am and want to be. I'm not a playboy, I don't lead the most interesting lunch table stories, and I'm not the most artistic person you'll ever meet, but I've started to borrow qualities from all these types of people to become the most confident, most strong-willed, most hungry aspiring filmmaker alive.

I don't think being in Japan specifically allowed me to grow, but I think just being away from most of the distractions and pressures I normally have and having avenues(people and places) to influence me really helped me realize a lot about myself.

Another obstacle I've started to overcome since being in Japan is my own anxiety. I still remember going to Tokyo from Kyoto the first time and being in apartment all alone for the first few weeks. I was in a brand new city, one of the biggest in the world, with no places to go and no one my age to hang with. I'd wallow in my anxiety and it'd eat me alive, and it never got any better until I got of the apartment and learned to get out on my own. Not until then did I meet people. And man did I meet a bunch of people. One person I met, let me know of a weekly bar meeting at a place named Otaru where I got to meet people in the games industry in Japan. It was there I met my first girlfriend in Japan and many new mentors. Then there was church as well, where I met young people of like-minded faith. And there were my work friends that introduced me to others. Point is, I just had to get out and look and actually start to live in the present. It wasn't until then that the future became a lot more enjoyable.

I've also opened up a lot. There was one guy, an Italian guy that I worked with that was very friendly. He'd invite me out a lot with him and his "ganguro lady friends". I was skeptical and judged him preemptively because of some of the stories he told me about himself and what I heard from others. But then one day I was like "heck, when was the last time I actually accepted someone's invite?", so I let him into my life. Later he ended up being my best friend during my time in Tokyo! He wasn't as bad I thought. Yeah the crazy stories I heard about him and girls were true, but this stuff made him really cool to hang out with. He was crazy talented, very spontanteous (he punched a Yakuza on a train full of people to save a bleeding girl) and encouraged me as a budding director. Pretty trippy. Anyhow, I'm realizing that I close a lot of people out of my life and as a result I'm losing potentially great friends. I guess I've always feared being judged or feared having someone eventually leave me, so thats why I've never let someone into my life. But the benefits and the strength you get from a good friend is like nothing else so I'm learning not to care so much anymore. I guess now is a good a time as any to change a bit.

Trying to list everything that is different about me is a bit difficult and counter-productive since writing it really means nothing. I just hope that from here on out, I can learn to take as many risks as I did in Japan in my own home country because life has a way of becoming so much more fun when you're not trying to judge every possible situation before you even try.

And as far Japan goes, I WILL be back. I've gotten pretty good Japanese according to my own standards and it'd be a shame if I didn't go back and let those years of studying it go to waste. So I'll be back, but I just got to get through this last year of college.